Bro Code Violation

If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.

-Bro Code: Article 130

If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or a peice of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.

-Bro Code: Article 129

A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vactaion destination, or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, it’s preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code…half naked from the waist up, naturally.

-Bro Code: Article 128

A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying “I love you, man” to all his Bros.

MAC - Memory Assistance and/or Correction- often comes into play around the holidays because when people gather together with loved ones, the need to drink alcohol increases exponentially.

Halloween is a time when Bros are especially susceptible to memory loss due to the lethal combination of abundant sweet things, liquor, and of course, candy. In fact, one year I awoke with four new phone numbers but no idea who gave them to me. Fortunately, based on the times I saved the numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes I wore at the party the night before, I was able to create a logic matrix.

-Bro Code: Article 127

In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.

Pre-Strip Club Checklist

~Converted sufficient funds to singles in the local currency.
~Hid ATM and credit cards deep in wallet yet still accessible in case of rare “twins” scenario.
~Got drunk.
~Planted fake “movie producer” business cares on person where they might “accidentally” fall out into cleavage of dancer(s).
~Pledged to avoid dancers with names like Smokey, Hepatitia, and Thunder.
~Turned off heat/AC in apartment, saving both utility costs and the environment.
~Not wearing jeans.
~Read in-depth synopsis of movie girlfriend thinks you’re going to see.

-Bro Code: Article 126

If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.

-Bro Code: Article 125

If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.

-Bro Code: Article 124

Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from “Beat It,” which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.

-Bro Code: Article 123

A Bro is always psyched. Always.

If you’re having trouble getting psyched, or you need to get a Bro psyched, you can always make yourself a “Get Psyched” mix.

Classic Get Psyched Songs

-Bro Code: Article 122

Even if he’s never skied before, a Bro doesn’t trifle with the bunny slope.

COROLLARY: If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the “conditions.”

-Bro Code: Article 121